Late Night Spoilers
Archive: Anywhere – just let me know where it’s going and keep my name on it.
Summary: Sam and Daniel have some laughs while reading a message board on the SGC’s network. They find some interesting opinions and what appear to be “spoilers,” and decide to set the record straight.
Subjects: S/D friendship, humor, parody
Spoilers: Early Season 9 up to Beachhead, plus spoilers for the second-to-last episode of the season, not yet shown anywhere. Takes place around the middle of Season 9, after Sam comes back but before The Fourth Horseman.
Disclaimer: I am not making any money off of this. The characters belong to MGM/Showtime/SciFi Channel/Sony, Double Secret Productions and Gekko Film Corporation. I am just borrowing them for a little fun. This story is copyrighted November 2005 and may not be used or altered without the express permission of the author.
A/N: I got the idea for this after seeing all the pro-Vala and pro-Daniel/Vala posts at various Stargate SG-1 forums. I am not in love with Vala. I don’t mind her, but I am not a fan of any sort of ship between her and Daniel; I just don’t see it. If you are a big fan of Daniel/Vala, please turn back now. It’s not worth it to send me flames or negative reviews because I will just ignore them. I made up the screen names that are mentioned here. If you happen to have one of them at a forum, it’s a complete coincidence. Thanks to Alison for the beta!
Having finished her late-night snack, Sam left the commissary and began heading in the direction of her office to finish yet another project. She glanced briefly at her watch and shrugged when she realized it was just after . It was no big deal; she’d been up much later than that many times before over her almost nine years at the SGC. While most of the personnel were at home or on base, sound asleep, she and Daniel would be hunched over their desks, burning the midnight oil as they studied a piece of alien technology or tried to translate some alien dialect. If they weren’t working on something together, they’d take a quick break and meet over cups of coffee and chocolate walnut cookies to talk about their progress or lack thereof with whatever they were studying. They had built up quite a close friendship over the years, and couldn’t think of anyone else with whom they’d felt more comfortable.
Speaking of Daniel, Sam halted dead in her tracks as an uncharacteristic sound suddenly came from the direction of Daniel’s office. Her eyebrows drew together and she frowned slightly, the sound of nearly hysterical laughter reaching her ears. Bewildered, she turned around and slowly headed for his office. In all the years she’d known him, she hardly thought he was capable of such laughter. The thought caused a small smile to grace her lips.
The door was halfway open, allowing her to peer inside. Her bewildered expression returned as she caught Daniel sitting at his computer, glasses removed and held down at his side, and laughing himself silly. Sam hung back against the doorframe, watching him. His laughter faded briefly as he reached for a tissue with which to dab at his eyes. Once he was finished, he glanced back at his computer screen and the laughter was back in full force.
Sam’s curiosity grew to an almost unbearable extent as she wondered what could possibly be so outrageously funny. She finally rapped lightly on the doorjamb, attempting to get his attention.
Daniel’s laughter stopped abruptly and he turned toward the door. Once he found Sam standing there, his mood seemed to change and he raised his eyebrows questioningly. “Sam?” he asked as he put his glasses back on.
“Mind if I come in?”
Daniel shook his head. “No, of course not.” He gestured for her to enter and smiled. “Please.”
Sam smiled back as she made her way inside and up to him. Amusement began peeking out of the corners of her mouth as she gave him a meaningful glance. “You should think about closing your door. There are people here who are sleeping, you know,” she teased.
“You certainly aren’t one of them,” he shot back, his eyes twinkling. He then gave her a rueful smile. “Sorry about that. I just … I was just laughing at … something,” he trailed off as a huge grin formed on his face. He was unable to suppress a chuckle.
“I can see that,” she remarked. “Or, rather, I could hear that.” She turned and glanced at his computer monitor. “You’ve piqued my curiosity. What on Earth is so funny?”
Daniel turned the monitor toward her as she pulled up a
chair and sat next to him. The website
appeared to be some sort of forum. Further
inspection revealed that it was the message board used between various
personnel inside the SGC on their secure network. Next to each of the posts, there were small
icons featuring individual SG members – her, Daniel,
“They just can’t let that die, can they,” she said wearily. She turned to Daniel and found his eyes lit up and his face cracked wide open in a grin. He began chuckling again and the chuckles nearly resembled giggles. “That’s what you find so funny?” she asked, confused.
“No,” Daniel shook his head. He scrolled down the page a bit until he found a post that featured a signature banner with him and Vala. Superimposed over the picture were words, in bright red, that said, “Vala and Daniel: Sizzlin’ Together!” With that, he began laughing harder.
“’Sizzlin’ Together’??” Sam said incredulously, raising an eyebrow. Her words were drowned out by Daniel’s laughter.
“These people are soooo misguided,” he got out between laughs. “But, if you think that was funny, just wait.”
Sam shook her head and snickered. As Daniel scrolled down further, the posts declaring him and Vala a couple increased in number and in absurdity. There was another banner that was photo-manipulated, showing Vala and Daniel up against each other and staring into each other’s eyes. The colorful words read, “Chemistry? These Two? Indubitably!” Sam raised another eyebrow before laughing in disbelief.
“Chemistry? These two? Not on your life,” Daniel said mockingly before becoming mired in laughter once again. Deep down, some little part of him felt ashamed for poking fun at people who were, in some way, friends of his. Still, he found the notion that he and Vala had great chemistry completely ridiculous.
“I don’t know who is posting these things, but they obviously don’t know what really goes on here,” Sam agreed, laughing softly.
“Definitely not,” Daniel added. He scrolled further down the page and adopted a sober expression. “Um … this one actually scared me,” he said warily.
Sam looked at a post that declared that Daniel and Vala should be married and that Vala should take Sam’s place on SG-1. Underneath it, in the signature area, was a large banner that showed Vala in scrubs lying on a bed in the infirmary, a large grin upon her face. It proclaimed, “You heard the woman, Daniel. Make babies!”
Sam snorted, unable to hold in the huge laughs and now she was laughing hysterically. “Oh, my God, I can’t believe this!” she exclaimed.
“If they think I’m getting within an inch of her after that bracelet incident …” He trailed off and shook his head, laughing incredulously.
“Yeah. I wasn’t there when that happened but, from all the times we talked, I gathered that she was less pleasant than a case of poison ivy.”
Daniel grinned and nodded. “She gets under your skin like a chigger,” he chuckled. “I guess it’s easy not to think that way if you haven’t been physically around her.” He gestured back to the computer screen. He scrolled down to the next post and his mouth dropped open. “What??” he exclaimed in disbelief.
Sam’s smile faded and she turned to him. “What is it?” she asked curiously.
“This person, ‘ValaDanny’, is saying that Vala is pregnant and when she returns to us, we will learn who the father is.”
Sam’s brows drew together in confusion. “What?”
Daniel pointed to the post once again, ignoring the photo-manipulated banner that showed Vala and Daniel kissing. “This has to be some kind of joke. First of all, how would they know that Vala is returning to us? She’s lost somewhere in the Ori home galaxy. And, second of all, how would they know that she is pregnant??”
Sam shrugged. “Maybe a Prior seduced her in an attempt to grow the Ori population organically. Or, maybe she found another old boyfriend …” She noticed Daniel looking at her intently and she blushed. “Sorry, that’s ridiculous. I was making something up off the cuff.” She trailed off awkwardly.
“Hey, the idea itself is so out there that your theory doesn’t sound ridiculous at all,” he said. “Which begs the question: how would these people know what is going to happen? The way they’re talking, it’s almost as if it’s common knowledge.”
“I think they’re called ‘spoilers,’” Sam said.
Daniel’s eyebrows drew together. “Spoilers?”
“It’s when information about events that haven’t occurred yet, but are inevitable, are leaked by the powers that be,” she replied.
Daniel nodded before turning back to the screen. “Even so, what makes them think that she’s pregnant? And … oh boy,” he choked out.
“’ValaDaniel4Eva’ is saying that I’m the father.”
Sam looked at the screen incredulously and then began laughing.
“How could they be privy to such information?? It’s as if they know something we don’t and I don’t see anyone here trying to withhold information from us. Landry hasn’t said a word. Vala and I certainly have not done anything that would result in her being pregnant … anything,” he continued, his voice rising in exasperation.
“I doubt this person knows anything about that. I think she – or he – is secretly hoping that you are the father, Daniel,” Sam said before laughing once again.
Daniel looked at Sam, stunned at first that she found this amusing. Slowly his frown melted into a slightly sheepish smile.
“It’s pretty funny when you think about it, isn’t it? I mean, you and Vala? She’s like nails on a chalkboard, right?” Sam added.
Daniel looked back at the offending post and began laughing himself. “She’s like a splinter that keeps digging itself further into the sole of my foot.”
“She’s like extremely loud feedback coming from a microphone,” Sam continued.
“She’s like really bad rust on Siler’s wrench.”
“She’s like a really bad virus in the computer mainframe.”
“She’s like the chipped beef on toast served in the commissary,” Daniel laughed, tears coming out of his eyes.
“Hey, I like that stuff,” Sam suddenly said, sobering up with a mock hurt expression.
Daniel eyed her incredulously.
“I’m just kidding,” she winked, giving a playful laugh as she patted him on the shoulder.
Daniel gave her an amused grin and chuckled again.
“This is just too funny. Actually, it’s almost to the point of pathetic,” Sam told him as her laughter faded.
Daniel nodded. “Yes, it is.” A mischievous grin worked its way onto his face.
“What?” Sam asked.
“I have an urge to really shake things up here,” he said as he leaned into her conspiratorially, despite the fact that they were the only people in the room.
“You? Daniel Jackson, a troublemaker? I never thought I’d see the day,” she teased.
“Hey, two can play at this game. I mean, the two of us can play at this game, against all of them. I just think we ought to level the playing field a little, what with all this ridiculous talk.” He gestured once again to the multitude of Vala/Daniel posts.
“So, what do you suggest?” Sam asked, a grin growing on her face.
Daniel waggled his eyebrows. “Oh, I have an idea in mind …”
Daniel snickered as he finished typing and hit the “Post” button at the bottom of the page. Within moments, the message appeared as the last post, causing Sam and Daniel to laugh and hi-five each other in triumph. They read the words together and nearly fell against each other, their bodies shuddering from the hysterical laughter.
The post from “ValaEstIncommodo”* read:
“I suppose it is easy to think that Vala is wonderful when you don’t have to deal with her every day. But try to put yourself in Daniel’s shoes. This woman worked with him. She was around him practically every minute of the day. The only respite he had was the rare times he went home and even then I don’t doubt that she tried to come home with him. He knows how annoying she is. There are other people at the SGC, and even on SG-1, with whom he has better chemistry (I’ll leave it up to you to decide who I’m talking about). As for her being pregnant and Daniel being the father, do not go there. Yes, there are such things as spoilers, but do not go there. If Vala is pregnant, Daniel is not the father and he never would be. Trust me, I know. I am extremely close to a very reputable source. Want to know who the father is?
Okay, that is enough.
The father is Jonas Quinn.
I know what you’re thinking, it’s impossible and all. But, not really. My source is quite reputable. I suppose you can consider this a ‘spoiler.’
Chew on that for a while.
P.S. Semper Samantha et Daniel”
The two mischief makers sat back and laughed, waiting for their message to achieve the desired effect.
*The phrase “Vala est incommodo” translates roughly to “Vala is annoying.” And “Semper Samantha et Daniel” is “Sam and Daniel forever,” or something close to that. My Latin is pretty rusty, so I looked it up online. Please don’t throw things at me!