The Real SG-1 Sets the Record Straight


Author: Jess


Rating: PG


Archive: Anywhere – just let me know where it’s going and keep my name on it.


Summary: Two real SG-1 members have some laughs while reading a message board dedicated to Stargate SG-1.  They find some interesting opinions and what appear to be “spoilers,” and decide to set the record straight.


Subjects: humor, parody


Spoilers: Heroes, Early Season 9 up to Beachhead, plus spoilers for the second-to-last episode of the season, not yet shown anywhere.  Takes place around the middle of Season 9, after Sam comes back but before The Fourth Horseman.


Disclaimer: I am not making any money off of this.  The characters belong to MGM/Showtime/SciFi Channel/Sony, Double Secret Productions and Gekko Film Corporation. I am just borrowing them for a little fun.  The Real SG-1 characters are used with the permission of Meriem Clayton, based on the characters created by Meriem Clayton in The Real Gate. This story is copyrighted November 2005 and may not be used or altered without the express permission of the author.


A/N:  I am not in love with Vala.  I don’t mind her, but I am not a fan of any sort of ship between her and Daniel; I just don’t see it.  If you are a big fan of Daniel/Vala, please turn back now.  It’s not worth it to send me flames or negative reviews because I will just ignore them.  I made up the screen names that are mentioned here.  If you happen to have one of them at a forum, it’s a complete coincidence.  Again, thanks to Alison for the beta.




It was just after 8 PM when Major Marti Parker arrived at Dr. David Johnson’s house.  She was meeting him after dinner for coffee, hoping to discuss with him the possible ramifications behind a new piece of alien technology their team had discovered.  It had been found along with a unique alien dialect, one that David hardly recognized.  Consequently, it intrigued him very much and he couldn’t wait to attempt to translate it.  Marti was also very interested and wanted to find out if he’d made any headway with the translation.


As she exited her car and headed up the front walk of his small house, she heard an uncharacteristic sound emanating from the back of the house.  Her eyebrows drew together and she frowned slightly as the sound of nearly hysterical laughter reaching her ears.  Bewildered but curious, she continued up to his door, frowning when she realized that he still hadn’t had that broken doorbell fixed.  She resorted to knocking and, when that failed to do the trick, she tried the doorknob.  Realizing that his door was unlocked, she shook her head.  He did live in a fairly safe neighborhood, but it was unwise to take chances like that. 


As she entered the house and quietly shut the door behind her – making sure to lock it – the hearty laughs echoed throughout the house.  Something had to be really funny to provoke such a reaction from David.  In all the years she’d known him, she hardly thought he was capable of laughing so hard.  The thought caused a small smile to grace her lips as she made her way to the back of the house.


The door to David’s study was halfway open, allowing her to peer inside.  Her bewildered expression returned as she caught David sitting at his computer, glasses removed and held down at his side, and laughing himself silly.  Marti hung back against the doorframe, watching him.  His laughter faded briefly as he reached for a tissue with which to dab at his eyes.  Once he was finished, he glanced back at his computer screen and the laughter was back in full force. 


She hated to interrupt his very obvious mirth, but Marti’s undying curiosity prompted her to clear her throat.  Still she was ignored.  Finally, she knocked softly on the doorjamb.


David’s laughter finally eased up and he turned toward the door.  Once he found Marti standing there, his mood seemed to change.  Not quite sure what he was seeing, he did a double take, his mouth dropping open slightly and his eyebrows nearly leaping off of his forehead.  “Marti?” he asked as he put his glasses back on.


“Didn’t forget, did you?”


David shook his head.  “No, of course not.  Sorry about that.  I just lost track of the time.”  He gestured for her to enter and smiled.  “Please.”


Marti smiled back as she made her way inside the room and up to him.  Amusement lit up her eyes as she gave him a meaningful glance.  “You should think about closing these windows.  Some of your neighbors might get concerned and try to have you committed to Mental Health,” she teased.


“I hope that’s not the reason why you’re here,” he said dryly.  He then gave her a rueful smile.  “Sorry about that.  I just … I was just laughing at … something,” he trailed off as a huge grin formed on his face.  He was unable to suppress a chuckle.


“I can see that,” she remarked.  “Or, rather, I could hear that.”  She turned and glanced at his computer monitor.  “You’ve piqued my curiosity.  What could possibly be so funny?”


David turned the monitor toward her as she pulled up a chair and sat next to him.  The website appeared to be some sort of forum dedicated to Stargate SG-1, the television show loosely based on the real SG-1 team to which both David and Marti belonged.  Next to each of the posts, there were small icons featuring individual SG members – Colonel Samantha Carter, Dr. Daniel Jackson, Colonel Cameron Mitchell, and General Jack O’Neill – as well as allies like Thor and enemies like Baal.  Most of the posts also contained creatively made banners.  Marti rolled her eyes and snorted as she found one that featured her counterpart – Sam – and Jack put in an intimate position, clearly photo-manipulated.


“They just can’t let that die, can they,” she said wearily.  She turned to David and found his eyes lit up and his face cracked wide open in a grin before he resumed chuckling.  “That’s what you find so funny?” she asked, confused.


“No,” David shook his head.  He scrolled down the page a bit until he found a post that featured a signature banner with Daniel and Vala.  Superimposed over the picture were words, in bright red, that said, “Vala and Daniel: Sizzlin’ Together!” With that, he began laughing harder.


“’Sizzlin’ Together’??” Marti said incredulously, raising an eyebrow.  Her words were drowned out by David’s laughter. 


“These people are soooo misguided,” he got out between laughs.  “But, if you think that was funny, just wait.”


Marti shook her head and snickered.  As David scrolled down further, the posts declaring Daniel and Vala a couple increased in number and in absurdity.  There was another banner that was photo-manipulated, showing Vala and Daniel up against each other and staring into each other’s eyes.  The colorful words read, “Chemistry? These Two? Indubitably!”  Marti raised another eyebrow before laughing in disbelief. 


“Chemistry? These two? Not on your life,” David said mockingly before becoming mired in laughter once again.  Deep down, some little part of him felt ashamed for poking fun at people who were, in some way, clearly fans of “him.”  Still, he found the idea of he and Lana, the real Vala, having great chemistry completely ridiculous.


“They don’t know what really goes on here,” Marti agreed, laughing softly.


“Definitely not,” David added.  Vala’s real-life counterpart, the saucy alien woman Lana with whom they’d first been acquainted when she’d stolen one of their ships and nearly held David hostage, was more of a thorn in David’s side than was portrayed in the television series.  She flirted with him on a regular basis and had even taken to playing with David’s shaggy locks if she could get close enough to him – something which his television counterpart was spared. 


David scrolled further down the page and adopted a sober expression.  “Um … this one actually scared me,” he said warily.


Marti looked at a post declaring that Daniel and Vala should be married and that Vala should take Sam’s place on SG-1.  Underneath it, in the signature area, was a large banner that showed Vala in scrubs lying on a bed in the infirmary, a large grin upon her face.  It proclaimed, “You heard the woman, Daniel.  Make babies!”


Marti snorted, unable to hold in the huge laughs and now she was laughing hysterically.  “Oh, my God, I can’t believe this!” she exclaimed. 


“If they think he’s getting within an inch of her after that bracelet incident …” David trailed off and shook his head, laughing incredulously.


“I know.  I wasn’t there when that happened but, from all the times we talked, I gathered that Lana was less pleasant than a case of poison ivy.”


David grinned and nodded.  “She gets under your skin like a chigger,” he chuckled.  “I guess it’s easy not to think that way if you haven’t been physically around her.”  He gestured back to the computer screen.  He scrolled down to the next post and his mouth dropped open.  “What??” he exclaimed in disbelief.


Marti’s smile faded and she turned to him.  “What is it?” she asked curiously.


“This person, ‘ValaDanny’, is saying that Vala is pregnant and when she returns, they will learn who the father is.”


Marti’s brows drew together in confusion.  “What?”


David pointed to the post once again, ignoring the photo-manipulated banner that showed Vala and Daniel kissing.  “First of all, how would they know that Lana is returning to us? She’s lost somewhere in the Ori home galaxy.  And, second of all, how would they know that she is pregnant??” He clutched nervously at his hair.


Marti shrugged.  “Maybe a Prior seduced her in an attempt to grow the Ori population organically.  Or, maybe she found another old boyfriend …” She noticed David looking at her intently and she blushed.  “Sorry, that’s ridiculous.  I was making something up off the cuff.” She trailed off awkwardly.


“Hey, the idea itself is so out there that your theory doesn’t sound ridiculous at all,” he said.  “Which begs the question: how would these people know what is going to happen?  The way they’re talking, it’s almost as if it’s common knowledge.”


“I think they’re called ‘spoilers,’” Marti said. 


David’s eyebrows drew together.  “Spoilers?”


“It’s when information about events that haven’t occurred yet, but are inevitable, are leaked by the powers that be,” she replied.


Realization appeared on David’s face when he remembered the “spoiler incident” regarding Apophis’ death that had taken place quite a while ago.  “So, we’ve sprung another leak?” he said slowly, still confused.


Marti sighed, realizing that these “spoilers” might actually be serious.  “I guess we should discuss this with the General first thing.”


David nodded before turning back to the screen.  “Even so, what makes them think that she’s pregnant? And … oh boy,” he choked out.


“What now?”


“’ValaDaniel4Eva’ is saying that I’m – I mean, Daniel – is the father.”


Marti looked at the screen incredulously and then began laughing.


“How would this complete stranger be privy to such information?? Lana and I certainly have not done anything that would result in her being pregnant … anything,” he continued, his voice rising in exasperation.


“I doubt this person knows anything about that.  I think she’s secretly hoping that Daniel is the father, David,” Marti said before laughing once again.


David looked at Marti, stunned at first that she found this amusing.  Slowly his frown melted into a slightly sheepish smile.


“It’s pretty funny when you think about it, isn’t it?  I mean, you and Lana?  She’s like nails on a chalkboard, right?” Marti added.


David looked back at the offending post and began laughing himself.  “She’s like a splinter that keeps digging itself further into the sole of my foot.”


“She’s like extremely loud feedback coming from a microphone,” Marti continued.


“She’s like really bad rust on Smitty’s* wrench.”


“She’s like a really bad virus in the computer mainframe.”


“She’s like the chipped beef on toast served in the commissary,” David laughed, tears coming out of his eyes.


“Hey, I like that stuff,” Marti suddenly said, sobering up with a mock hurt expression.


David eyed her incredulously.


“I’m just kidding,” she winked, giving a playful laugh as she patted him on the shoulder.


David gave her an amused grin and chuckled again.


“This is just too funny.  Actually, it’s almost to the point of pathetic,” Marti told him as her laughter faded.


David nodded.  “Yes, it is.”  A mischievous grin worked its way onto his face.


“What?” Marti asked.


“I have an urge to really shake things up here,” he said as he leaned into her conspiratorially, despite the fact that they were the only people in the room. 


“You? David Johnson, a troublemaker?  I never thought I’d see the day,” she teased.


“Hey, two can play at this game.  I mean, the two of us can play at this game, against all of them.  I just think we ought to level the playing field a little, what with all this ridiculous talk.” He gestured once again to the multitude of Vala/Daniel posts.


“So, what do you suggest?” Marti asked, a grin growing on her face.


David waggled his eyebrows.  “Oh, I have an idea in mind …”




David snickered as he finished typing and hit the “Post” button at the bottom of the page.  Within moments, the message appeared as the last post, causing Marti and David to laugh and hi-five each other in triumph.  They read the words together and nearly fell against each other, their bodies shuddering from the hysterical laughter.


The post from “ValaEstIncommodo”** read:


“I suppose it is easy to think that Vala is wonderful when you don’t have to deal with her every day.  But try to put yourself in Daniel’s shoes.  This woman worked with him.  She was around him practically every minute of the day.  The only respite he had was the rare times he went home and even then I don’t doubt that she tried to come home with him.  He knows how annoying she is. There are other people at the SGC, and even on SG-1, with whom he has better chemistry (I’ll leave it up to you to decide who I’m talking about).  As for her being pregnant and Daniel being the father, do not go there.  Yes, there are such things as spoilers, but do not go there.  If Vala is pregnant, Daniel is not the father and he never would be.  Trust me, I know.  I am extremely close to a very reputable source.  Want to know who the father is?


Scroll down.


Keep going.


Okay, that is enough.


The father is Jonas Quinn.


I know what you’re thinking, it’s impossible and all.  But, not really.  My source is quite reputable.  I suppose you can consider this a ‘spoiler.’


Chew on that for a while.


~ ValaEstIncommodo


P.S. Semper Samantha et Daniel”    


The two mischief makers sat back and laughed, waiting for their message to achieve the desired effect.




*Sgt. Joseph Smitty, the real-life version of Sgt. Siler.

**The phrase “Vala est incommodo” translates roughly to “Vala is annoying.” And “Semper Samantha et Daniel” is “Sam and Daniel forever,” or something close to that.  My Latin is pretty rusty, so I looked it up online.  Please don’t throw things at me!