The Spoil Sport
Archive: Anywhere – just let me know where it’s going and keep my name on it.
Summary: Sam and Daniel have tried to set the record straight regarding some “spoilers” that appeared on the SGC network’s message board. After receiving replies on said board, Daniel tries to find out who in the SGC is behind the posts, and attempts to put their interesting musings to a rest once and for all. Sequel to Late Night Spoilers.
Subjects: Friendship, humor, parody
Spoilers: Early Season 9 up to Beachhead. Takes place around the middle of Season 9, after Sam comes back but before The Fourth Horseman.
Disclaimer: I am not making any money off of this. The SG-1 characters belong to MGM/Showtime/SciFi Channel/Sony, Double Secret Productions and Gekko Film Corporation. I am just borrowing them for a little fun. This story is copyrighted December 2005 and may not be used or altered without the express permission of the author.
A/N: Once again, if you are a big Daniel/Vala shipper, please turn back now.
Sam glanced wearily at her computer monitor as she typed up the last few words of her mission report. Even though it was only 2100 hours, she was growing very tired. SG-1 had been involved in an exciting mission earlier today, then had to sit through an almost-as-exciting debriefing, and finally had some “exciting” entrees to choose for dinner in the commissary. She was glad she’d finished her report, as she was seriously considering going home and retiring for the night.
She saved her work, printed out the report, and closed out her word processing program. She was about to shut the computer down when the icon for the SGC network grabbed her attention. A small grin crept over her face as she was suddenly reminded of the message board used by various personnel – the one over which she and Daniel had had quite a few laughs recently.
A quiet chuckle escaped her lips when she remembered the ridiculous posts they had encountered. Most of them were from people who apparently admired Vala quite a lot and somehow envisioned her and Daniel as a great couple. Sam thought the notion was beyond absurd, as did Daniel. Actually, later on he’d told her that he was mortified that people actually thought he and Vala belonged together, and that Vala should ‘have Daniel’s babies.’” He wondered what he would say if he ever came across any of these people in person.
A week had gone by and the two of them had checked the board periodically. They were quite amused to discover that no one on the board had come up with a reply to his and Sam’s post. It must have really thrown them. Serves them right, Sam had thought. She grinned at the possibility that she and Daniel had put these people in their place.
She should have just turned her computer off after she’d finished the report, but was curious to see whether they could break some sort of record for causing a halt in posting at the board. It was usually quite active and never seemed to go longer than a day or two here and there without a post. She brought up the board and scanned it until she found the thread with the familiar headline. After clicking on it, she scrolled down the page and a large smile spread across her face when she found her and Daniel’s post.
It quickly faded when she found that there were several replies following it. One was from someone with the handle “HmSmth” and it proclaimed: “OMG! Are you kidding? Jonas??? How do you know this? Did TPTB tell you directly? When will Jonas be back? We miss him here.”
Sam snickered for a moment in reaction to the idea that someone was actually taking them seriously. She stopped when she read the next post immediately after it. It was from “ValaDaniel4Eva” and said: “Uh huh. You are crazy. Vala and Jonas?? Daniel and Vala belong together, and that’s that!! BTW, what the hell does ‘Semper Samantha et Daniel’ mean?”
Sam rolled her eyes and shook her head before she came to the very last post at the end of the page, from “ValaDanny”: “Vala and Jonas? Eww, gross! ValaEstIncommodo (um what does that mean??), you don’t know what you’re talking about. Do you have your head so deep in the sand that you don’t realize that Daniel and Vala are made for each other??” Sam raised an eyebrow when she caught the post-script at the end, which said, “This isn’t Siler (MrWrenchMan) causing trouble with a new handle, is it?” At that, Sam began laughing. This whole thing was ridiculous. She just had to share this with her partner-in-crime.
She quickly dialed the phone and waited for him to pick up. “Daniel? It’s me. Can you come down here for a minute?”
“Sure, Sam, what’s up?” he asked.
“I just checked the message board. It seems that our mischief-making has finally achieved some results.”
“You’re kidding,” Daniel said after a beat.
“Nope,” Sam insisted. “You just have to see this.”
“Okay, I’ll be down there in five,” he said quickly.
Sam hung up the phone and grinned widely, anticipating Daniel’s reaction. Daniel had overestimated the time it would take him to reach her office and was there in three minutes instead of five. He was immediately by her side, seeming almost too eager to see what reactions their post had garnered.
“You won’t believe this,” Sam muttered.
Daniel took a look at the screen and the grin he was wearing quickly faded. A frown drew his brows together before he scrunched up his face in disbelief. “They’re actually taking us seriously?” he said slowly.
Sam gestured toward the screen and shook her head. She studied Daniel’s face as he reacted once more to the messages. He chuckled quietly upon reading the ‘ValaEstIncommodo (um what the hell does that mean??)” bit, but he stopped abruptly when he read the rest of the message. The deep frown appeared again and Sam thought she caught a tiny gleam of anger in his eyes.
“Do I have my head so deep in the sand??” he exclaimed incredulously. “How about, ‘do you people have your heads so mired in fantasy that you can’t see there is nothing between me and Vala, nor would there ever be?’” He paused briefly to take a breath and calm down a bit. “Can you reload this page?” he asked Sam quietly.
She nodded and hit the “reload” button. Two new posts appeared at the bottom. The first was from someone who went by the name of “LMacD” and it read, “Whoa, can you guys just step back and take a deep breath? Vala was an interesting person but, in all the time I’ve been here, I’ve never seen anything between them. I personally think there is something going on between him and Sam and I’m not the only one.”
A small grin tugged at the corners of Daniel’s mouth. “Well, finally a voice of reason here.”
Sam grew a matching grin and nodded. It disappeared when she read the very last post: “Oh, no, not the Sam/Daniel shippers again,” it groused.
“’Shippers?’” Daniel inquired curiously.
“Oh, um, it’s a term used in fan fiction to describe people who see or would like to see a relationship between two characters,” Sam replied.
Daniel regarded her oddly, his mouth partly open. A blush stained Sam’s cheeks and she coughed awkwardly. “Or so I’ve heard,” she mumbled.
Daniel stared at her for a brief moment longer and then went back to the last post. “Don’t you people realize that there could never be anything between those two?” it continued, “They’re like brother and sister, for cryin’ out loud!”
“’For cryin’ out loud’? Did Jack post this?” Daniel wondered aloud.
Sam grinned and laughed softly. “I highly doubt it. He doesn’t have access to this network and he never posted back when he was here. Plus, I can’t see anyone like him posting under the name ‘RavenHairedVala.’”
“Good point,” Daniel grinned. “As much as I hate to judge anyone, these people really don’t have much of a clue.”
His grin eased up as he studied the very end of the post: “Vala and Daniel will hook up and that’s that. I just know it. You can try to ask Daniel, but he will probably deny it. Probably wants his personal life kept private and all. But we really know what’s going on! *grin*”
“Ohhhh, no you don’t,” Daniel said to the computer screen, his tone a bit caustic. He took hold of Sam’s keyboard and moved it over so it was right in front of him.
“Daniel, what are you doing?” Sam asked.
“We tried setting the record straight and that didn’t work, so now it’s no more Mr. Nice Guy.” He clicked “reply” and began to type rapidly.
Sam looked at him, a bit surprised at his reaction. She almost thought he was overreacting. Yes, the things these people were saying about him and Vala were ridiculous, but she didn’t think they could possibly be serious. Air Force personnel liked to goof around as much as anyone while they were off-duty, a fact she knew all too well. She personally didn’t see their musings as threatening; definitely misguided, but not threatening.
“Daniel, maybe you should just leave it alone,” she said lamely.
“I’m sorry, Sam. I can’t. This has gone too far,” Daniel replied. He finished his rapid typing and was about to click the “post” button when something prompted him to softly curse in another language. “Your connection just went down,” he elaborated to a confused Sam. He edged up off the chair and began to make his way to the door. “I’m going to talk to Landry.”
Sam hastily followed him. “Wh … about what?” she asked with a touch of incredulity. Understanding quickly colored her eyes as she wondered if the perpetrators’ words could end up damaging Daniel’s reputation more than they had already.
Daniel met her gaze and, recognizing the understanding in her eyes, nodded. “I’ll be right back, okay?”
He didn’t give Sam much time to answer as he hastily exited her office and started down the corridor.
“Daniel, just … don’t do anything you’ll regret, okay?” she needlessly called out to his retreating form. She stood in her doorway and leaned up against the doorjamb, releasing an explosive breath.
Daniel paused on his way down to Landry’s office as his ears picked up some faint female conversation down a connecting corridor. He didn’t like being nosy, but a few words he picked up here and there had him curious. He heard his and Vala’s names mentioned several times, as well as Sam’s. He wondered if these women might have been the ones behind the message board posts.
As he turned the corner, the conversation grew louder and more animated. He heard one woman say, “I’m sorry, but I’ve always seen something between Colonel Carter and Dr. Jackson.” Daniel grinned, thinking that this woman was indeed smart. Her statement quickly became drowned in protests from the others.
“That’s ridiculous,” another stated insistently. “Colonel Carter belongs with General O’Neill and Daniel belongs with Vala.”
“Yes, where have you been?” yet another agreed. “I can’t believe you’ve been here for three years and you haven’t seen that.”
Daniel rolled his eyes briefly before a mischievous grin overtook his face. So, these had to be the women that were posting on the message board. He suddenly got the idea that maybe their musings would be put to rest if he set them straight in person.
Deciding to make an appearance, he shoved off from the wall and sauntered up to the sizeable group of women. A few were new to him, but most of them he recognized, if only vaguely: a couple of young sergeants named Heather Smith and Stephanie Pulaski, fellow scientist Dr. Liz MacDuff, medical officer Dr. Bailey DeBarr, research assistant Lina Ragen, and Captain Susan Archer. Among them were several nurses from the infirmary.
Along with the two sergeants, the nurses were the most vocal in expressing their belief in Daniel and Vala as a couple. A smaller group consisting of Drs. MacDuff and DeBarr, Lina Ragen, and Captain Archer argued tirelessly that Daniel didn’t have eyes for Vala, but rather for Sam.
“Good evening, ladies,” he said cordially, an innocent smile belying the huge grin he wore on the inside.
They all straightened immediately and assumed expressions of children caught doing something naughty. “Um … g-good evening, Dr. Jackson,” a few of them stammered out of turn.
Daniel forced another smile and nodded. “If you’ll excuse me, I was just on my way to see the boss,” he said lightly.
A few women stepped aside to allow him to pass, but his gait was slow and deliberate as if he didn’t intend to leave their company. “Um, Dr. Jackson?” someone suddenly piped up.
Daniel turned and regarded them inquisitively.
The young Sergeant Smith ducked her head shyly and trained her eyes on the floor. “Um, I was wondering if you knew whether Jonas Quinn was coming back.”
Somewhere deep inside himself, Daniel was chuckling in amusement. This had to be “HmSmth,” the person who asked that same question on the message board. Before he could answer, Sergeant Pulaski elbowed her and shot back with, “Why would he know?” Smith shrugged awkwardly and blushed, but her expression revealed that she was expecting an answer from Daniel.
“I don’t think so,” Daniel replied, shaking his head. “Jonas is pretty busy on
The answer elicited a gape from Sergeant Smith, who silently concluded that he was talking about a relationship between the Kelownan scientist and Vala.
“Dr. Jackson, do you know where Vala is, and whether she’s coming back or not?” one of the nurses asked.
Daniel assumed an apathetic stance and shrugged. “I don’t know and I don’t want to know.”
“Yeah, right!” another nurse proclaimed with a knowing grin plastered to her face. “Come on, admit it – you and she have perfect chemistry! You miss her!” DeBarr, MacDuff, Ragen, and Archer shared a look and collectively rolled their eyes at the statement.
“Oh, yeah, I miss her like I miss that bad case of desert fever
I had in
Most of them would not hear of it and insisted that he and Vala just had to be a couple. Daniel’s denials were becoming rapidly drowned out until Sam made an appearance.
“Hey, what’s going on?” she asked as she trained her eyes on the group of women. Daniel met her gaze for a brief moment and silently thanked her for appearing at just the right time. She responded to the grateful look in his eyes with a small nod before turning back to the others.
The sergeants and most of the nurses were caught off guard and just giggled awkwardly. “’Evening, Colonel Carter,” Liz MacDuff said genially.
Sam smiled back and regarded the younger woman with a nod. “Liz.”
“What have you been up to?” Bailey asked.
Sam shrugged. “Not much, just finishing up a mission report.”
“Oh, right, for P4C-525,” Lina chimed in. “I just started cataloging some of the writings you found there, Dr. Jackson.”
Daniel nodded. “Thank you, Lina.”
The blonde girl smiled and returned with a barely audible, “You’re welcome.”
“Colonel Carter? Do you know what ‘Semper Sam et Daniel’ means?” one of the nurses suddenly asked.
A hint of a smile peeked out from the corner of Sam’s mouth as she shook her head. “Haven’t a clue.”
The woman looked at her for a brief moment and then barely shrugged. Daniel studied the expressions they were all wearing and knew their curiosity would not be sated until he gave them some explanation. He thought for a moment before finally “coming clean” with them. “It’s time for me to put all the rumors and suggestions to bed. I must admit that, yes, I do have feelings for someone on base, but it’s not Vala.”
The group regarded him with a blank stare until another young airwoman, one that was not heard from before now, grew a large smile and nearly squealed, “Ooooh, General O’Neill??”
A small frown furrowed Daniel’s brow and he cleared his throat. “Ah, someone on base presently,” he clarified.
He was met with blank stares once again until the same girl broke in with, “Um, Colonel Mitchell or Teal’c?”
Sam raised a curious eyebrow and shared a look with Daniel. “No and no,” the archaeologist replied awkwardly.
“Then is it General Landry?” she asked again.
“Eww, Landry?? Why would he have feelings for that guy? He’s too old!” her friend replied.
“And General O’Neill isn’t??
“Well …” the first girl trailed off, sounding effectively chastised.
Daniel rolled his eyes in frustration and Sam shook her head wearily as the two young women drifted away from the rest of the group, bickering between each other as they disappeared down the corridor.
“So, who are you talking about?” Sergeant Smith asked as the group’s attention fully returned to Daniel.
“It has to be Vala,” Sergeant Pulaski said before Daniel could answer. “Even if she’s not here right now, he has to be in contact with her somehow. I bet they’re sharing some kind of romantic intergalactic love letters.” A dreamy smile crossed her face as some of the others murmured in agreement.
Daniel fixed them with a pointed expression. “I’m sorry to disappoint you, but Vala and I would never have anything in a million years,” he said sharply. There were a few sounds of protest as Daniel looked down at his watch. “Well, it’s late and I have to finish a report. I’ll just leave you all with this: I have feelings for someone at the SGC. That someone is female, and is not Vala.”
He and Sam turned to leave when he looked back at his four “allies” and gave them a little wink. DeBarr, MacDuff, Ragen, and Archer shared a knowing grin as the rest of the group stood blinking in confusion as SG-1’s linguist and astrophysicist retreated down the corridor, arms around each other’s waists.